God is good

As I sit here at the Sleep Center with Drew my mind drifted back to a poem I read last year called Holland.  Most of you know that when Drew was 5 months old he was diagnosed with Shaken Baby Syndrome.  While that was 12 1/2 years ago the memory is as fresh in my mind as my trip to the zoo last week.   So here is my condensed version for those of you that may not know our story.

It all started on a Sunday afternoon in June.  It was a beautiful day, Dakota was an active 2 year old and I had taken him to the park to fly kites.  When we returned home a few hours later Drew was just finishing his bottle with Rob.  I took Drew to burp him and noticed that his body was stiffening and he appeared to stop breathing. We immediately called 911 and in the meantime Drew's eyes started to roll back and it was apparent he wasn't breathing.  The ambulance took Drew to Pontiac hospital where the Dr. informed us that Drew had apparently spit up and choked and there was no real concern and sent us home.

The ER Dr.'s diagnosis didn't seem to sit well with me.  I'm not a medical professional but I know what I saw and it seemed more like a seizure to me.  I called his Pediatrician Monday morning and they agreed to see him the next day.  At our appointment on Tuesday his Pediatrician noted that his head had grown 1 1/2 inches in less than 6 weeks.  At this point he was vomiting and becoming lethargic so she said we could either watch and wait or we could go to St. Francis for an MRI.  I chose the MRI and we left for Peoria.

His Pediatrician decided to admit him to aid in the speed of the testing that needed to be done.  The MRI showed 3 subdural hematomas (2 chronic and 1 acute).  They decided to do a spinal tap to check for Meningiti and they ordered a full body scan, which later revealed 2 fractures (1 in his wrist and 1 in a rear rib).   Drew progressively was unable to keep any food down and was losing muscle control.  His brain was swelling to the point that they were ready to place a shunt.

By this time it was Friday afternoon and nobody had given any indication as to what the problem might be, this was all to change very quickly.  Dr. Edwards was on call that afternoon, I knew him as he had previously been Dakota's pediatrician before I moved to Fairbury.  I remember him walking in to the room and asking me to put Drew in his bed and have a seat so he could explain the test results to me.  He pulled up a chair directly across from me and said that what he was about to say was difficult.  He proceeded to tell me that they suspected someone had abused Drew, that test results at this point indicated that Drew had been shaken to the point that his head most likely bounced from his back to his chest repeatedly.  He explained that they had found several brain bleeds, several broken bones and that both of these were consistent with Shaken Baby Syndrome.  At that point I was crying so hard it was difficult to talk and all I could ask was is he going to live.  He told me that they would be doing a repeat MRI and that an Ophthalmologist would be in to check his retinas.  He said we would take it one day at a time.

Dr. Edwards informed me that in light of the suspicion of child abuse he would allow me to stay as long as I agreed to move to a room across from the nurses station and leave the door and curtains open at all times.  The following morning Rob came over and after we fed and bathed Drew we went to the cafeteria to grab breakfast while Drew napped.  Upon returning to our room we were met by Dr. Lance Cordoni and a team of medical students.  Dr. Cordoni informed us that he was certain that Drew was abused and though he couldn't prove it was us couldn't take a chance we hurt Drew further.  He gave us 5 minutes to gather our stuff and leave.  In a matter of 24 hours my whole world changed.  I hadn't left Drew except to go eat and to shower, I didn't know what to do.

The next year was a blur.  My parents were amazing and stepped up to be foster parents so that Drew didn't have to stay with strangers.  The hardest part of this was it prevented me from spending time with my parents while I was going through all the madness of the courts because in the beginning I wasn't allowed unsupervised visits with Drew.  By October I had satisfied the courts and was allowed unlimited visitation so at that point I moved in with my parents to be with the boys 24/7.

To this day I don't know exactly what happened to Drew.  The court system had their theory but lost some key evidence and failed to prove their case so they basically dropped it.  On June 5th, just a little over a year after it started I was granted full custody of Drew.  Ironically that happened to be my birthday.

The Dr.'s have continued to remind us that with Traumatic Brain Injuries you just take it one day at a time.  12 years ago they weren't sure that Drew would ever gain back the muscle control he had lost, if he would ever eat without a tube, if he would walk or talk.  By the grace of God he has done all those things and more.  I think sometimes I get so caught up in all the daily tasks that life has for us that sometimes I forget to thank and praise God for how far He has brought us.  God is good through all things.

Psalm 52: 8-9

But I am like an olive tree 

flourishing in the house of God; 

I trust in God’s unfailing love 

for ever and ever. 

For what you have done I will always praise you 

in the presence of your faithful people. 

And I will hope in your name, 

for your name is good.

Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley 

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Dirty in the light

When we were house shopping one of the things I knew I wanted was a house that gets lots of light.  The house we lived in previously was very boxy and dark.  It just didn't get good sun light and it seemed like even during the day it was dark in that house despite turning on all the lights.  We succeeded in that quest, our current house is designed perfect for light.  Our neighbors are far enough away and we sit up on a slight hill so nothing blocks the sun from entering.

Of course there is a downside to all this light, when it shines across our wood floors you can see every speck of dust.  It seems no matter how many times I sweep I can still see specks of dust and dirt.  As I was sweeping this morning I thought of how much we resemble that dirt on the floor.   No matter how good we are we are still dirty when we stand in the light of our Heavenly Father.  Standing in His presence every speck of sin is magnified.

Even our best days are not good enough.  The Bible tells us that all have sinned (Romans 3:23).  No water or soap in the world can wash that sin away, we need the blood of Jesus Christ.  (1 John 1:7).  Because of the blood of our Savior Jesus Christ we may stand clean before the Holy and Just God.  You cannot do it alone.  He's waiting to be LORD and Savior of your life.

Beautiful

He has made everything beautiful in its time, He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:1

How would you define beautiful?  Chances are if I asked 100 people to show me something beautiful all 100 would show me something different.  Maybe for you it is a sunset over the ocean. Some may say it is the first flowers blooming in Spring.  Others may say it was the birth of their child.  Or maybe it was the first time you saw your spouse.  Maybe you love the sight of snow covered trees.  If you were to stop and look around you I would be willing to guess that wherever you are, you are surrounded by beauty, so much that we forget and take it for granted.

Scripture tells us that God made everything, not just some things, beautiful in its time.  Sometimes it is hard to see the beauty.  When someone is hurt and suffering or when a loved one dies.  When we lose our transportation, our job, our home.  In a world with brokenness and sin it is sometimes too easy to focus on the ugly and lose sight of the beauty.   But we are to fix our eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2) not the things of this world.  God has promised that everything is made beautiful in its time.  Sometimes we are just too close to the situation to see the bigger picture at other times we won't see the bigger picture until God calls us home, we have to know and believe that God is faithful in keeping His promises therefore we know that even though we cannot see the beauty it will come.