Change

It seems that most of us struggle with change in one form or another. We are happy or comfortable with the way things are and then when something happens to change our circumstances it is difficult for us. Even before we know how the change will affect us we sometimes panic.

If I have learned anything through studying the books of Esther and Daniel it is in trusting God's sovereignty and time. We are all here because He has purposed us for this very moment in history. None of us are here by mistake; none of us were born too late or too early, we were born exactly when He purposed us. And the events in our lives are not accidental. We can choose to seek His will and destiny for our lives or we can sit by and let life idly pass us.

This season of life has been full of many changes for us. In the last 2 years we have moved, committed to homeschooling (which has been a very long road for us and has not been an easy choice), finding a new church home (again not easy), trying to build friendships (even harder yet). And through it all I have struggled greatly. I think this is why I sat on the fence for so long, it was easy.

My past has made it hard for me to truly find my place in a body of believers. I love, and I mean love Christ with all my being. I love who I am in Him, but there is still this part of me that has a hard time seeing myself the way He sees me. I struggle building new relationships and tend to pull back before I get close to people.

Being unable to see myself as a new creation in Him has made it very hard on me and I truly believe it is part of why I said no to the call to homeschooling for so long. There is still this part of me that feels so out of place in the homeschool community. I believe it is why I have very few true relationships with people at our church. We have lots of people we know, but very few people we "know" and live life with outside of Sunday morning.

I believe it is why I sat on the fence for most of my adult life. Because it was easier, safer. I didn't have to fear rejection. The world accepts me when I'm not living for Him. But that is not what I want even if it is easier. Through all this change there is one constant and that is my Heavenly Father, my Abba. Abba is truth, He is faithful, He is love...and that is enough when my world seems to be spinning out of control.

The hardest part

Well today was the start of week 2 of school. I love our new curriculum but it is definitely proving to be a learning curve for all of us. I think the hardest part is figuring out what to do with Kat. She is 2 this school year so she is much busier than last year. Thankfully our school room is right next to her room so she can play with her toys or watch a movie in my room but she really wants to be with us, only her attention span doesn't allow for her to be quiet for long periods of time. If you know my Kathryn then you know that quiet is not part of her personality. I think she even talks in her sleep. =)

Actually let me correct myself the hardest part of home school to me is still that there is not enough time in a day to do it all. When we took on the call to home school we agreed that I could no longer be so strict about cleaning. It is not possible to vacuum everyday, mop everyday, and so on. And it drives me insane...but I have agreed to only run the vacuum twice a week unless something is spilled and I've agreed to lighten up all around.

I've heard so many mom's with grown children say that if they could change one thing it would be to not worry so much about their house. Instead of having the boys help me clean I would just do it myself because they never did it to my high standards. So now they are just used to me cleaning everything and it has been really hard for them to get used to helping. If I could go back I would have allowed them to clean with me even if it meant that it wasn't perfect.

I have to remind myself daily of a saying I read at my friend's house, My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy. Since my kids spend a lot of time in this house I want them to be able to have fun and not worry that mom is going to seize if they make a mess. Besides once they move out I can clean all day everyday...

Blessed

Too often I go through life eagerly anticipating the next stage and not living in the here and now. So as I try teaching my children to notice the good in people and blessings in their lives I am reminded to stop and give thanks and enjoy the good and many blessings in my life.

I have an incredible husband who I love more every day, 4 beautiful children who I love in ways I never knew possible, the best parents and in-laws anyone could ask for, great family & friends, an amazing church family and the list could go on and on. I have way more blessings than I can even count.

Psalm 107:1 - Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever.

Bitter Sweet

Drew decided to play soccer this year and tonight was our second practice. He was so excited because we went to Read's and got his uniform, shin guards, socks, shoe and ball today. And you don't even want to know what that cost me...but that is besides the point. Drew was so excited. I think he would've slept in his new cleats tonight if I would've let him.

If you have never watched Drew play a sport you really should come out some time. He is such a hoot. Probably 75% of the game he is oblivious to what is really going on. In fact I probably heard the other kids on the team tell him over and over again tonight to pay attention. And he's trying, he really is. He wants to be out there and he wants to do good his poor little brain just doesn't always cooperate.

I was watching him tonight thinking how far we have come since those long sleepless nights 11 years ago. With so much uncertainty I didn't know what to expect in the future. And while the future still holds some pretty big uncertainties for Drew I am resting in Papa's hands and no longer worry. But nights like tonight still break my heart.

If you were to look at Drew you probably wouldn't know anything was wrong with him so a lot of times kids just assume that he is dumb or what not and they just say mean things. One little boy tonight told him that he isn't very good at passing the ball and shouldn't try. I wanted to run out there and tell him that we are just grateful that Drew can kick a ball.

Drew's coach is a wonderful man who really seems to be very patient with the kids. And while he has not said anything or done anything to show disapproval in Drew I found myself asking how Drew was doing after practice tonight all prepared to explain his "injury" to the coach. As if explaining him somehow makes people ok with him. If anything sometimes I think it makes them notice things they may not otherwise notice. Either way he said Drew was doing fine and I refrained from giving any details.

Unless you are around him for the everyday little things you would probably never know anything is wrong and for that I'm grateful. But, I know there is always a but, it is bitter sweet because even though he has come so far and beaten so many odds there are things that you don't see. Things like last Friday when I took him for a vaccine booster and ended up having to pull him out of hiding under the table at the Dr and physically restrain him to get a shot. Obviously the nurse didn't read his chart because she was not in the least bit thrilled to have to be a part of our day. She informed him several times that he was too old to behave that way until I finally simply said he has brain injuries and it makes things like this difficult for him to understand.

Or when he asks the same question for the 15th time in a row, or when he can't understand the simplest direction and his 6 year old brother has to show him, or when he says inappropriate things without realizing what he is saying, or when he acts like he is 6 instead of 11 and people think he is a behavior problem, or when he is doing a soccer drill and his brain isn't working fast enough to remember where to run and kick all at the same time that I see his disability and I feel so utterly helpless.

I want to fix it so it is easy for him and he doesn't have to struggle. But really at the end of the day I struggle more than he does. It bothers me more than him that others don't always treat him fairly or don't understand him. He usually doesn't even notice, but I do and I need to just let go and quit worrying about how others are going to behave because as God is showing me at the end of it all I have no control.

Time Away

I had an incredible time away this past week. I spent much quiet time in contemplative prayer and reading my Bible. I have to admit it took a bit to get used to the quiet. I don't think I realized how accustomed I have become to noise.

Many of you have asked what I heard God speaking to me. Well lately I have been struggling with relationships in my life. One specific relationship is that of being a mom to a teenager. I'm learning as a mom to him that I cannot choose his friends, I cannot make good choices for him, I cannot force him to be the man that I want him to be. And I really heard God saying that His ways are not my ways, Isaiah 55:8, and for good reason too.

If I desire for my children to live their life in accordance to God's plan then I must let go of my plans for them and allow God to be in control. I need to learn that I do not have control of so many things in my life but my Father does and He desires to work for my good, Romans 8:28 & Jeremiah 29:11

So I am going to be more intentional about seeking God's desire in my relationships. I'm going to make it a priority to not mold people (specifically my children) or relationships into what I want and just let God direct and guide. My hearts desire is that He be glorified in all relationships in my life. So often we perceive things as good or bad based off our limited earthly view when the Heavenly view might be completely opposite.

The other thing I really focused on this week was "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10. We get so busy and so wrapped up in our lives that sometimes we forget to just be still. To just come to Him and sit quietly in His presence. It doesn't mean that I need to spend all my days in a closet quietly waiting on Him, but I do need to be able to quiet my heart and my mind and just be still with Him. To be in the quiet and not need to be filled with noise and chaos.

To live my life knowing that He is God. To believe that He is whatever I need; comfort, love, peace, assurance, provision - and to live that truth. He is God of all things and will provide all that I need no matter how big or small. I felt as if He was saying even though I have been blessed with much He is sufficient and that ultimately everything else is insignificant. That if He were to offer me anything my only desire would be Him. He is unchanging and will be the one true constant in my life.

He sustains me and He loves me and that is all I need. My prayer for you is that you are able to live in this truth too. To thirst and hunger for Him and to be in love with Him. He is crazy about you, He is so in love with you. He doesn't want your religious acts, He simply wants you. He doesn't want your fancy words and lengthy prayers, he just wants you to be real with Him. He doesn't need you, He loves you. When you start to live out of that love you will be forever changed.

I like your Christ

So a dear friend of mine published a quote by Gandhi that I loved and have been thinking about for the past week.

         I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ - Gandhi

So often we call ourselves Christians but do we truly live the life Christ taught us to live.  We are always quick to say we are Christians and that we follow Christ but do we?  It is easy to say and behave a certain way when you are at church or small group, or with your "Christian" friends.  But what about when nobody is watching.  When you are having a bad day, are in pain, are waiting in line or waiting for test results.  When things don't work out as you had planned, a friend hurts you, a family member does something you wished they hadn't, the waiter forgets to bring you a refill.  Do you still look like your Christ?

I truly believe you will never be transformed until God becomes more than a deity sitting on a throne, more than a set of rules, more than what your religion contains.  He is calling you to more than warming a pew on Sunday, more than joining committees, more than joining a small group, way more than empty rituals that you do only because you are told to.  He is calling you to be the light in this world and to share His love with all you come into contact with.  He is calling you to not only be transformed into the likeness of Christ but to a deeper more personal relationship with Him.  

As a Christian our purpose is to become like Christ.  But you can't become like Christ unless you are daily dying to yourself and living for Him.  I recently saw an online article where a study was done showing how people who have been married for decades actually start to look alike.  Same is true in your Spiritual life, if you continually walk with Christ you will slowly be transformed to look and act like Him.

But here is where our religious training has corrupted our thinking.  We've been taught that there are lists of things that are acceptable and lists of things that aren't.  At the end of the day the only true test is how we love others.  I love how The Message depicts what Christ said in Matthew 11:28-30 - 

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

 You most likely have heard it as in the NIV: 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

He's telling us He doesn't have a long list of rules.  He's not asking you to follow long lists of rules that prevent you from getting to Him.  He wants each of us to be truly transformed and His yoke is easy, love God and love each other.  If you do these two things everything else is fulfilled.  

If we are to call ourselves Christians are people truly seeing Christ in us?

A glimpse of Holy

Last Friday night I experienced God in a way that I've never before experienced Him before.  I felt a nudging in my heart that He was asking me to do something.  Recently I have been so busy I haven't been hearing Him very much.  I've really missed Him.

Well Friday night He showed up and asked me to do something.  I chose to act on what I felt called to do and it is impossible to put into words what He did, the way I felt was so overwhelming.  It brought me to tears, not just small tears but deep from your soul tears, when it happened and just thinking about it now makes me cry.  I felt like I was doing something, in reality He was doing something for me.  I saw Him in a way I have never seen Him before and it did something to me that I can't explain.  I longed to stay in that moment, in His presence.  

If you haven't heard Him speak to you lately, or maybe ever, I would challenge you to open up the Bible, the love letters He sent to us.  Spend time in there daily and then pray and ask Him to show up in your life.  I can't imagine anything worse than never feeling His presence in my life.
    
Psalm 27:4 (The Message)
   I'm asking God for one thing,    
      only one thing:
   To live with him in his house
      my whole life long.
   I'll contemplate his beauty;
      I'll study at his feet.