Bitter Sweet

Drew decided to play soccer this year and tonight was our second practice. He was so excited because we went to Read's and got his uniform, shin guards, socks, shoe and ball today. And you don't even want to know what that cost me...but that is besides the point. Drew was so excited. I think he would've slept in his new cleats tonight if I would've let him.

If you have never watched Drew play a sport you really should come out some time. He is such a hoot. Probably 75% of the game he is oblivious to what is really going on. In fact I probably heard the other kids on the team tell him over and over again tonight to pay attention. And he's trying, he really is. He wants to be out there and he wants to do good his poor little brain just doesn't always cooperate.

I was watching him tonight thinking how far we have come since those long sleepless nights 11 years ago. With so much uncertainty I didn't know what to expect in the future. And while the future still holds some pretty big uncertainties for Drew I am resting in Papa's hands and no longer worry. But nights like tonight still break my heart.

If you were to look at Drew you probably wouldn't know anything was wrong with him so a lot of times kids just assume that he is dumb or what not and they just say mean things. One little boy tonight told him that he isn't very good at passing the ball and shouldn't try. I wanted to run out there and tell him that we are just grateful that Drew can kick a ball.

Drew's coach is a wonderful man who really seems to be very patient with the kids. And while he has not said anything or done anything to show disapproval in Drew I found myself asking how Drew was doing after practice tonight all prepared to explain his "injury" to the coach. As if explaining him somehow makes people ok with him. If anything sometimes I think it makes them notice things they may not otherwise notice. Either way he said Drew was doing fine and I refrained from giving any details.

Unless you are around him for the everyday little things you would probably never know anything is wrong and for that I'm grateful. But, I know there is always a but, it is bitter sweet because even though he has come so far and beaten so many odds there are things that you don't see. Things like last Friday when I took him for a vaccine booster and ended up having to pull him out of hiding under the table at the Dr and physically restrain him to get a shot. Obviously the nurse didn't read his chart because she was not in the least bit thrilled to have to be a part of our day. She informed him several times that he was too old to behave that way until I finally simply said he has brain injuries and it makes things like this difficult for him to understand.

Or when he asks the same question for the 15th time in a row, or when he can't understand the simplest direction and his 6 year old brother has to show him, or when he says inappropriate things without realizing what he is saying, or when he acts like he is 6 instead of 11 and people think he is a behavior problem, or when he is doing a soccer drill and his brain isn't working fast enough to remember where to run and kick all at the same time that I see his disability and I feel so utterly helpless.

I want to fix it so it is easy for him and he doesn't have to struggle. But really at the end of the day I struggle more than he does. It bothers me more than him that others don't always treat him fairly or don't understand him. He usually doesn't even notice, but I do and I need to just let go and quit worrying about how others are going to behave because as God is showing me at the end of it all I have no control.