He's waiting

Where is God?  I cried out to Him, I opened His book and read it, I even went to church.  Why didn't He answer me?  Where is this peace He promises?

I knew who He was because I grew up in a Disciples of Christ church, was dedicated as a baby, went to Sunday School, Youth group, was baptized; I knew all the stories, knew what it meant to be saved - but I never lived it.  It was kind of like saying that I know tylenol will relieve my headache and then taking a skittle instead.

But back to the beginning, even though I'm not sure when the beginning started.  I had been unhappy for as long as I could remember.  I never liked myself, I felt like I always messed things up and made people mad more than happy.  I guess I never really felt loved.  Don't hear me wrong, I was loved, I just never felt loved.

Growing up was hard for me.  I wasn't comfortable in my in own skin so it was almost impossible to be comfortable or happy anywhere I was.  I had never fit in much at school.  I had a few friends that I associated with, but was never really close to anyone.  My home life was difficult, Dad and I fought a lot.  He loved me and showed that love the only way he knew how - he provided for me and his discipline consisted of a strong hand and belt.  I never saw love in that.  The more I desired his approval the less I felt it was there.

In 5th grade I felt the best way to cope and find control in my life was through the identity of bulimia.  I was fortunate that my eating disorder was discovered early and my parents put me in St. Francis hospital for 3 months of in-patient treatment and then 3 months of out-patient treatment when I was in the 6th grade.  From that point on it felt as if my life spiraled out of control.  By the time I was in high school I continued making destructive choices.  It was as if I went from one thing to the next, always hurting myself and those close to me in the process.

When I was 16 I found myself pregnant with my oldest son, Dakota.  Dakota was born October of my senior year.  Despite having a baby my senior year I maintained a job and a high GPA.  I was fortunate to be able to keep him and graduate high school with my classmates.  While things looked like they were good inside I was dying.

When I was 20 my life literally changed over night.  I was married, Dakota was 2 and Drew was just a few months old.  It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in May when Drew had a seizure and quit breathing. To make a long story short after weeks of testing I was told by a callused Dr. that my baby was a victim of Shaken Baby Syndrome. He had 3 major brain bleeds, a fracture in his wrist and rib and blood on his retinas.  Not only was Drew's future unknown but my now ex-husband was the likely suspect.

Over night my children were taken from me, I was told that the man I had vowed to spend my life with had abused our son and because my mom was their foster parent I couldn't be within 500 feet of her when she was with my children. I was utterly alone and very depressed. I wasn't sure that life was worth living. Mom would call and Dakota would be crying and begging me to come get him and all I could say is "Mommy can't" and I would cry myself to sleep.

I begged God to give me peace. I promised Him everything I had if He would just give me peace, and yet it never came. It took me a year to get full custody of my boys back. And during that year I felt more distant than ever from God, I started to question if He was really out there.

But there was this strange feeling that he was pursing me.  I can't fully put my hand on it now anymore than I could then.  I just had this sense even as I doubted His existence that He was patiently waiting for me, longing for me to come back to Him and be in relationship with Him.

I eventually started going to church again; reading my Bible, doing book studies and asking our Pastor a gazillion questions. Over the last 4 years my faith has grown at an exponential rate. Today I have a faith that brings me an overwhelming peace and a personal relationship with God that is more real than anything I have ever known.  My life isn't always easy and it is far from perfect, but through my relationship with God I am changed forever.  I never want to go back to living a life without Him in control.

Even after I discovered that relationship and felt His presence in my life it always bothered me why when I cried out to Him I didn't feel Him so many years before. During a nightly Bible study a few months ago God answered this lingering question for me. I was reading First Samuel chapter 1.

The gist of the story is that Hannah was childless, and she prayed and asked God for a son. She promised God that if He gave her a son, she would give the child back to Him when the child was weaned. When God searched Hannah's heart He knew her to be faithful and true and blessed her with a son, Samuel. And when Samuel was weaned she gave him back to God and Samuel worshiped God.

Wow, that is powerful. As a mom I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for Hannah to leave Samuel at Shiloh. And then I thought back to when I asked God for peace and all the promises I made Him. And I knew instantly that when He searched my heart He knew that I was not faithful and true. He knew that I didn't want a relationship with Him, I just wanted a quick fix.

He never left me, He was there all along, I was the one that was absent.  I didn't want to to change my life; I just wanted an easy out. It wasn't God who failed me; it was me who had failed God.

I don't know where you are on your spiritual walk, but what I do know is where God is.  He is right there next to you.  He is waiting for you to give yourself to Him no strings attached.  Not so He can fix your problems, but so you can experience the greatest, most true relationship you will ever know.

He'll take every step but the last one.  But don't think you can just give Him the leftovers, or the easy parts of your life.  He wants it all, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.  He's never left, He never will and He'll never force you to choose Him.

You may be able to fool those around you, but you'll never fool God. Is your heart of this world, cause if it is you won't clearly hear His voice.  Stop and listen, God is calling your name.  Will you answer?