He is faithful

A few years ago Andy and I went through Dave Ramsey's Financial class and have worked very hard at becoming debt free.  We felt like God was calling us to things but we had some debt that was holding us back.

At the time we had just recently purchased a brand new 2010 Dodge Grand Caravan (which I loved by the way).  The payments weren't high, we weren't behind on them and they weren't killing us each month but we felt like God said very clearly, car payments aren't wise.  So we went to some dealer's to see if we could get out of the payment.  Not going to happen they told us.  Frustrated we came home and after a week of praying decided that if God wanted us to get rid of our van he would sell it.  We listed it on Craigslist that night with an asking price that would pay off our loan and leave us enough to go pay cash for another vehicle.  The next morning I got an email from a lady wanting to come that afternoon and see it.  Two days later she bought it for our asking price.  God sold my van!

Here we are a little over 2 years later and we haven't had a car payment since and never plan to again.  We have been able to live debt free and it is amazing.  We are now feeling like God is saying you know that mortgage, let's get rid of it.  I guess I always thought that a 30 year mortgage is something everyone has to have.  That you buy your home and 30 years later you pay it off, if you don't end up refinancing and borrowing against your equity at some point.  

Well in order for us to chip away at our mortgage it would require either Andy or I to take a part time job.  We both applied at various places and hadn't heard much until a few weeks ago.  I got a phone call from the Home Sweet Home Mission asking if I would be interested in interviewing for their part time Residential Associate position.  I was ecstatic and nervous all at the same time.  This is my dream job and yet I have not worked in over 8 years.  To say the least I am slightly out of shape in the work force realm.  I came home feeling like the interview went well and it must have because they called and offered me the job which I gladly accepted.  

The crazy apart about this is that this job is not only an answer to financial prayer but also to a heart prayer.  Prior to feeling like God was calling me to be a stay at home mom I was going to school to be a social worker.  I have always had a heart and passion for people.   I was devastated when that door was closed.  Well like so many other things that I don't know God has shown me that He didn't completely close that door, it just looks different than what my plan was.

Isaiah 55:8-9 comes to mind..."My thoughts are not like your thoughts.  And your ways are not like my ways," announces the Lord.  "The heavens are higher than the earth.  And my ways are higher than your ways.  My thoughts are higher than your thoughts."  I mean how many times are we sure we know what is best.  We are created in His image, we are not created as Him.  What kind of a God would He be if He thought like you and me?  My life works best when I place it in His hands and allow Him to use me as He desires.  It gets messed up when I inject what I think would work best.

So as I go to work tonight I'm going in with the mindset that this is right where He wants me and He has thoughts and ways that are so far above mine and for good reason, He alone is God.  It doesn't mean that His way is always what I would consider easy or pleasurable but I know it is for good for He promised me that in Jeremiah 29:11-14.  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

God will not give you more than you can handle???

The past few days I have had a lot of people tell me not to worry that God will not give us more than we can handle.  I know personally I've said this in the past to people going through a difficult time without really thinking about the scriptural basis.  So here are my thoughts after looking into it...

From what I can tell this phrase most likely originates from the following verse:  

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.  (1 Corinthians 10:13)

This verse is actually talking about temptation to sin not hard things you go through.  So while I can see how some have used this verse I think we have taken it out of context if that is the basis for this comment.  I also can't find anywhere in the Bible that says God gives us hard things like child abuse or brain injuries because He thinks we can handle them.  And basically that is what we are telling people with this comment.  

I have however found countless scriptures that talk about difficult times and strength and protection during those times.

My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest. (Exodus 33:14)


It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)


The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. (Deuteronomy 33:27)


The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9-10)


I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 16:8)


The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident. (Psalm 27: 1, 3)


You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7-8)


I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)


And I really could keep going for a very long time with these scriptures.

So next time I am presented the temptation to tell someone that God will not give them more than they can handle I think I will rephrase it to say : "God will be there to give you strength and protection during this very difficult journey".  

Waiting Upon the LORD

Two weeks ago today we were just getting home from Drew's sleep study.  Little did we know that the test would reveal possible seizures, not the sleep apnea we suspected.  The Doctor was taking boards so it took awhile to get the sleep study read, but they finally called last Friday and said the EEG portion of the study was abnormal and they wanted to know if we could go for an EEG on Monday.  So we kept Drew up until midnight on Sunday and got him up at 4 am yesterday so he would be tired for his test on at 10 am.  Needless to say he wasn't near as tired as I was.  =)  Results from the EEG are already back and they are referring us to Peoria to see a Pediatric Neurologist.  

In light of all these test results I have been going back over all the Doctor reports and notes from when Drew was admitted for SBS as an infant.  It is crazy how reading something can take you right back to the moment.  The most incredible part of all has been how faithful God has been.  Drew has surpassed the Doctor's expectations of his outcome in light of the injuries.  Where Drew is today is a true miracle from God.  God has been so remarkable in placing people in my life at just the right moment and He has brought me such peace and healing.

His timing is always perfect.  Currently I am taking a Hebrew class.  A few weeks ago we were talking about the scripture Isaiah 40:31- But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.  We learned that "wait" in Hebrew here means to twist or bind.  So when we twist our weakness around God's strength we become unbreakable.  How incredible to know that regardless of the storm to hit our lives if we are twisted with God we will not break!!  I pray that you are "waiting" on the LORD so that you will mount up with wings as eagles!!

God is good

As I sit here at the Sleep Center with Drew my mind drifted back to a poem I read last year called Holland.  Most of you know that when Drew was 5 months old he was diagnosed with Shaken Baby Syndrome.  While that was 12 1/2 years ago the memory is as fresh in my mind as my trip to the zoo last week.   So here is my condensed version for those of you that may not know our story.

It all started on a Sunday afternoon in June.  It was a beautiful day, Dakota was an active 2 year old and I had taken him to the park to fly kites.  When we returned home a few hours later Drew was just finishing his bottle with Rob.  I took Drew to burp him and noticed that his body was stiffening and he appeared to stop breathing. We immediately called 911 and in the meantime Drew's eyes started to roll back and it was apparent he wasn't breathing.  The ambulance took Drew to Pontiac hospital where the Dr. informed us that Drew had apparently spit up and choked and there was no real concern and sent us home.

The ER Dr.'s diagnosis didn't seem to sit well with me.  I'm not a medical professional but I know what I saw and it seemed more like a seizure to me.  I called his Pediatrician Monday morning and they agreed to see him the next day.  At our appointment on Tuesday his Pediatrician noted that his head had grown 1 1/2 inches in less than 6 weeks.  At this point he was vomiting and becoming lethargic so she said we could either watch and wait or we could go to St. Francis for an MRI.  I chose the MRI and we left for Peoria.

His Pediatrician decided to admit him to aid in the speed of the testing that needed to be done.  The MRI showed 3 subdural hematomas (2 chronic and 1 acute).  They decided to do a spinal tap to check for Meningiti and they ordered a full body scan, which later revealed 2 fractures (1 in his wrist and 1 in a rear rib).   Drew progressively was unable to keep any food down and was losing muscle control.  His brain was swelling to the point that they were ready to place a shunt.

By this time it was Friday afternoon and nobody had given any indication as to what the problem might be, this was all to change very quickly.  Dr. Edwards was on call that afternoon, I knew him as he had previously been Dakota's pediatrician before I moved to Fairbury.  I remember him walking in to the room and asking me to put Drew in his bed and have a seat so he could explain the test results to me.  He pulled up a chair directly across from me and said that what he was about to say was difficult.  He proceeded to tell me that they suspected someone had abused Drew, that test results at this point indicated that Drew had been shaken to the point that his head most likely bounced from his back to his chest repeatedly.  He explained that they had found several brain bleeds, several broken bones and that both of these were consistent with Shaken Baby Syndrome.  At that point I was crying so hard it was difficult to talk and all I could ask was is he going to live.  He told me that they would be doing a repeat MRI and that an Ophthalmologist would be in to check his retinas.  He said we would take it one day at a time.

Dr. Edwards informed me that in light of the suspicion of child abuse he would allow me to stay as long as I agreed to move to a room across from the nurses station and leave the door and curtains open at all times.  The following morning Rob came over and after we fed and bathed Drew we went to the cafeteria to grab breakfast while Drew napped.  Upon returning to our room we were met by Dr. Lance Cordoni and a team of medical students.  Dr. Cordoni informed us that he was certain that Drew was abused and though he couldn't prove it was us couldn't take a chance we hurt Drew further.  He gave us 5 minutes to gather our stuff and leave.  In a matter of 24 hours my whole world changed.  I hadn't left Drew except to go eat and to shower, I didn't know what to do.

The next year was a blur.  My parents were amazing and stepped up to be foster parents so that Drew didn't have to stay with strangers.  The hardest part of this was it prevented me from spending time with my parents while I was going through all the madness of the courts because in the beginning I wasn't allowed unsupervised visits with Drew.  By October I had satisfied the courts and was allowed unlimited visitation so at that point I moved in with my parents to be with the boys 24/7.

To this day I don't know exactly what happened to Drew.  The court system had their theory but lost some key evidence and failed to prove their case so they basically dropped it.  On June 5th, just a little over a year after it started I was granted full custody of Drew.  Ironically that happened to be my birthday.

The Dr.'s have continued to remind us that with Traumatic Brain Injuries you just take it one day at a time.  12 years ago they weren't sure that Drew would ever gain back the muscle control he had lost, if he would ever eat without a tube, if he would walk or talk.  By the grace of God he has done all those things and more.  I think sometimes I get so caught up in all the daily tasks that life has for us that sometimes I forget to thank and praise God for how far He has brought us.  God is good through all things.

Psalm 52: 8-9

But I am like an olive tree 

flourishing in the house of God; 

I trust in God’s unfailing love 

for ever and ever. 

For what you have done I will always praise you 

in the presence of your faithful people. 

And I will hope in your name, 

for your name is good.

Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley 

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Dirty in the light

When we were house shopping one of the things I knew I wanted was a house that gets lots of light.  The house we lived in previously was very boxy and dark.  It just didn't get good sun light and it seemed like even during the day it was dark in that house despite turning on all the lights.  We succeeded in that quest, our current house is designed perfect for light.  Our neighbors are far enough away and we sit up on a slight hill so nothing blocks the sun from entering.

Of course there is a downside to all this light, when it shines across our wood floors you can see every speck of dust.  It seems no matter how many times I sweep I can still see specks of dust and dirt.  As I was sweeping this morning I thought of how much we resemble that dirt on the floor.   No matter how good we are we are still dirty when we stand in the light of our Heavenly Father.  Standing in His presence every speck of sin is magnified.

Even our best days are not good enough.  The Bible tells us that all have sinned (Romans 3:23).  No water or soap in the world can wash that sin away, we need the blood of Jesus Christ.  (1 John 1:7).  Because of the blood of our Savior Jesus Christ we may stand clean before the Holy and Just God.  You cannot do it alone.  He's waiting to be LORD and Savior of your life.

Beautiful

He has made everything beautiful in its time, He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:1

How would you define beautiful?  Chances are if I asked 100 people to show me something beautiful all 100 would show me something different.  Maybe for you it is a sunset over the ocean. Some may say it is the first flowers blooming in Spring.  Others may say it was the birth of their child.  Or maybe it was the first time you saw your spouse.  Maybe you love the sight of snow covered trees.  If you were to stop and look around you I would be willing to guess that wherever you are, you are surrounded by beauty, so much that we forget and take it for granted.

Scripture tells us that God made everything, not just some things, beautiful in its time.  Sometimes it is hard to see the beauty.  When someone is hurt and suffering or when a loved one dies.  When we lose our transportation, our job, our home.  In a world with brokenness and sin it is sometimes too easy to focus on the ugly and lose sight of the beauty.   But we are to fix our eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2) not the things of this world.  God has promised that everything is made beautiful in its time.  Sometimes we are just too close to the situation to see the bigger picture at other times we won't see the bigger picture until God calls us home, we have to know and believe that God is faithful in keeping His promises therefore we know that even though we cannot see the beauty it will come.